I got forwarded this e-mail from a friend that keep forwarding every friggin thing he gets. But this is actually funny, for once. It's amazing how much people know about 'puters.
*Email from a customer:
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
___________________
* Customer: "I would like to place an order."
Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
Customer: "Web site?"
Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
Customer: "Where is the computer?"
Tech Support: "..."
___________________
I'm in fifth grade, and I've recently started using LimeWire, which is a BitTorrent client. My friend's cousin (who's in second grade) heard about it and wanted to use it, too.
The next day, he told me it wasn't working. He proceeded to explain how he got a copper wire, dipped it in lime juice, and tried to attach it to his computer.
I couldn't stop giggling the rest of the day.
___________________
Our Hong Kong office had a computer that was infected with a virus. Supposedly they had run antivirus software several times and had been unable to clean it, even after updating their virus definitions. I was asked to diagnose and fix the computer immediately, because it wouldn't even turn on.
* Me: "Sure thing. When do you want me to fly over?"
* Him: "Can't you do it from there?"
* Me: "Sure, just ship it to me."
* Him: "No, I mean can't you just fix it here, from there?"
* Me: "Uh...how exactly would you like me to do that?"
* Him: "I don't know. You're the expert!"
____________________
I'm a tech support engineer for a software company. I had a guy call up rather annoyed that the disks we'd sent him containing the latest version of our software didn't work.
* Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
* Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
* Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
* Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
* Customer: "Yes, it is."
* Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"
___________________
Once I overheard the guy in the tech support cubicle next to mine patiently explain:
* Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password."
___________________
* Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
* Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
* Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
___________________
A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.
* Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
* Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)
___________________
One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that "the Internet had changed the color to black." Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.
* Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?"
* Her: "But I don't have the file!"
* Me: "What file!?"
* Her: "You know, the file."
* Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?"
* Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!"
* Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet."
* Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!"
* Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!"
* Her: "But--"
__________________
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.
* Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
* Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
* Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
* Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
* Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
* Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
* Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
* Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
* Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
* Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
* Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Oh."
* Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
* Customer: "Why?"
* Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
* Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
* Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
* Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
* Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
* Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
______________
Once I had a guy bring in two Polaroid pictures of screen shots of his computer. He claimed they were "before" and "after" shots and wanted us to diagnose his computer problems by looking at the pictures. They looked the same to us -- but we kept them and posted them in the back area with a $1000 dollar reward to anyone who could diagnose the problem that way.
_______
I work for an ad agency. A customer of ours sells peripheral hardware for computers. They asked me to post all the latest drivers on the web site we made for them.
Before I could say another word, my genius co-worker arranged for a professional photographer and two days of studio time for photographing the drivers.
_______
* Tech Support: "ISP tech support, how may I help you?"
* Customer: "Yes I was wondering if you could help me?"
* Tech Support: "Well I can certainly try."
* Customer: "Do you know those 55 gallon drums that they hold oil in?"
* Tech Support: (blink) "Yes...I believe so."
* Customer: "The ones that they have for trash cans at some places, but they originally have oil in them?"
* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I know what you are talking about."
* Customer: "Well I was wondering if you could tell me why they chose that number?"
* Tech Support: "What number, sir?"
* Customer: "55."
* Tech Support: "Sir, this is technical support for the Internet."
* Customer: "Yes, I know."
* Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, I guess I am just confused on how you think that I can help you."
* Customer: "Well can you look it up and maybe put it on your web page?"
* Tech Support: "No sir, I really couldn't. I don't have that type of time on my hands, nor would my system administrator allow me to put that sort of information up on our company web site."
* Customer: "Ohh, ok."
* Tech Support: "Have you tried searching the Internet yourself?"
* Customer: "Yes. I am not very good at that sort of thing."
* Tech Support: "I am sorry, sir -- there is nothing that I can do from here."
* Customer: "Well, if you happen to come across it could you let me know?"
* Tech Support: "Yeah, uh-huh, ok. If I find that I will let you know. Have a good day."
______
Back in 1998, I was going through the employment section of the newspaper and found this:
"Applicant must have 5 years experience with Windows 95."
______
My favorite:
I was giving instructions to a caller once, but his son was the one physically sitting at the computer, so all my instructions had to be relayed. Here's a snippet of the conversation:
* Me: "Click on 'start', then select 'shut down', then select 'restart in MS-DOS mode'."
* Customer: (to his son) "Ok, press 'start', 'shut up', and 'sit down'!"
The really scary part was what his son said then:
* Customer's Son: "Ok, I'm at the C: prompt!"
Do we really want to know what goes on at that house?
______
Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?"
______
* Customer: "I can't find Word on my computer anywhere."
* Tech Support: "Ok, which PC do you have, sir?"
* Customer: (eventually names the model we sold him)
* Tech Support: "Ok, well, that machine doesn't come with MS Word, sir?"
* Customer: "Why not?"
* Tech Support: "Well, sir, MS Word is a separate product from your operating system. We do sell it if you would like to buy it."
* Customer: "Hold on, my friend has Word on his PC. Why are you guys selling incomplete computers?"
* Tech Support: "Sir, some PCs come with office software, and some do not. The software is an optional extra."
* Customer: "Right, fair enough then, I'll call in and buy Word."
The customer called in and indeed bought the MS Works suite. Two hours later, I got the same customer on the phone again.
* Customer: "I have a complaint about this software."
* Tech Support: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?"
* Customer: "There's no seems about it! This software is junk."
* Tech Support: "Can you be more specific, sir?"
* Customer: "Whenever I type something, it makes red lines under the text. How the hell can I send someone an important letter with red lines all over it?"
* Tech Support: (uses the mute button)
_______
* Customer: "I've been signed up with your service for over a week, and have not been able to connect even once because of busy signals. If I can't get any better service than that, I'm going to switch to another ISP."
* Tech Support: "Hmmm...that shouldn't be happening. We're no where near maxing out our dial up lines. Are you sure you're dialing the right number?"
* Customer: "I'm not stupid! I know my own phone number!"
*Email from a customer:
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
___________________
* Customer: "I would like to place an order."
Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
Customer: "Web site?"
Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
Customer: "Where is the computer?"
Tech Support: "..."
___________________
I'm in fifth grade, and I've recently started using LimeWire, which is a BitTorrent client. My friend's cousin (who's in second grade) heard about it and wanted to use it, too.
The next day, he told me it wasn't working. He proceeded to explain how he got a copper wire, dipped it in lime juice, and tried to attach it to his computer.
I couldn't stop giggling the rest of the day.
___________________
Our Hong Kong office had a computer that was infected with a virus. Supposedly they had run antivirus software several times and had been unable to clean it, even after updating their virus definitions. I was asked to diagnose and fix the computer immediately, because it wouldn't even turn on.
* Me: "Sure thing. When do you want me to fly over?"
* Him: "Can't you do it from there?"
* Me: "Sure, just ship it to me."
* Him: "No, I mean can't you just fix it here, from there?"
* Me: "Uh...how exactly would you like me to do that?"
* Him: "I don't know. You're the expert!"
____________________
I'm a tech support engineer for a software company. I had a guy call up rather annoyed that the disks we'd sent him containing the latest version of our software didn't work.
* Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
* Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
* Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
* Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
* Customer: "Yes, it is."
* Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"
___________________
Once I overheard the guy in the tech support cubicle next to mine patiently explain:
* Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password."
___________________
* Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
* Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
* Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
___________________
A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.
* Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
* Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)
___________________
One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that "the Internet had changed the color to black." Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.
* Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?"
* Her: "But I don't have the file!"
* Me: "What file!?"
* Her: "You know, the file."
* Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?"
* Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!"
* Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet."
* Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!"
* Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!"
* Her: "But--"
__________________
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.
* Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
* Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
* Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
* Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
* Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
* Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
* Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
* Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
* Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
* Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
* Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Oh."
* Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
* Customer: "Why?"
* Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
* Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
* Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
* Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
* Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
* Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
______________
Once I had a guy bring in two Polaroid pictures of screen shots of his computer. He claimed they were "before" and "after" shots and wanted us to diagnose his computer problems by looking at the pictures. They looked the same to us -- but we kept them and posted them in the back area with a $1000 dollar reward to anyone who could diagnose the problem that way.
_______
I work for an ad agency. A customer of ours sells peripheral hardware for computers. They asked me to post all the latest drivers on the web site we made for them.
Before I could say another word, my genius co-worker arranged for a professional photographer and two days of studio time for photographing the drivers.
_______
* Tech Support: "ISP tech support, how may I help you?"
* Customer: "Yes I was wondering if you could help me?"
* Tech Support: "Well I can certainly try."
* Customer: "Do you know those 55 gallon drums that they hold oil in?"
* Tech Support: (blink) "Yes...I believe so."
* Customer: "The ones that they have for trash cans at some places, but they originally have oil in them?"
* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I know what you are talking about."
* Customer: "Well I was wondering if you could tell me why they chose that number?"
* Tech Support: "What number, sir?"
* Customer: "55."
* Tech Support: "Sir, this is technical support for the Internet."
* Customer: "Yes, I know."
* Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, I guess I am just confused on how you think that I can help you."
* Customer: "Well can you look it up and maybe put it on your web page?"
* Tech Support: "No sir, I really couldn't. I don't have that type of time on my hands, nor would my system administrator allow me to put that sort of information up on our company web site."
* Customer: "Ohh, ok."
* Tech Support: "Have you tried searching the Internet yourself?"
* Customer: "Yes. I am not very good at that sort of thing."
* Tech Support: "I am sorry, sir -- there is nothing that I can do from here."
* Customer: "Well, if you happen to come across it could you let me know?"
* Tech Support: "Yeah, uh-huh, ok. If I find that I will let you know. Have a good day."
______
Back in 1998, I was going through the employment section of the newspaper and found this:
"Applicant must have 5 years experience with Windows 95."
______
My favorite:
I was giving instructions to a caller once, but his son was the one physically sitting at the computer, so all my instructions had to be relayed. Here's a snippet of the conversation:
* Me: "Click on 'start', then select 'shut down', then select 'restart in MS-DOS mode'."
* Customer: (to his son) "Ok, press 'start', 'shut up', and 'sit down'!"
The really scary part was what his son said then:
* Customer's Son: "Ok, I'm at the C: prompt!"
Do we really want to know what goes on at that house?
______
Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?"
______
* Customer: "I can't find Word on my computer anywhere."
* Tech Support: "Ok, which PC do you have, sir?"
* Customer: (eventually names the model we sold him)
* Tech Support: "Ok, well, that machine doesn't come with MS Word, sir?"
* Customer: "Why not?"
* Tech Support: "Well, sir, MS Word is a separate product from your operating system. We do sell it if you would like to buy it."
* Customer: "Hold on, my friend has Word on his PC. Why are you guys selling incomplete computers?"
* Tech Support: "Sir, some PCs come with office software, and some do not. The software is an optional extra."
* Customer: "Right, fair enough then, I'll call in and buy Word."
The customer called in and indeed bought the MS Works suite. Two hours later, I got the same customer on the phone again.
* Customer: "I have a complaint about this software."
* Tech Support: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?"
* Customer: "There's no seems about it! This software is junk."
* Tech Support: "Can you be more specific, sir?"
* Customer: "Whenever I type something, it makes red lines under the text. How the hell can I send someone an important letter with red lines all over it?"
* Tech Support: (uses the mute button)
_______
* Customer: "I've been signed up with your service for over a week, and have not been able to connect even once because of busy signals. If I can't get any better service than that, I'm going to switch to another ISP."
* Tech Support: "Hmmm...that shouldn't be happening. We're no where near maxing out our dial up lines. Are you sure you're dialing the right number?"
* Customer: "I'm not stupid! I know my own phone number!"
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