*December 8: 6:00 PM.*
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
*December 9:*
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
*December 12*
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
*December 14:*
Snow, lovely snow! 8' last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
*December 15:*
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
*December 16:*
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
*December 17:*
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I shouldv'e bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
*December 20:*
Electricity' s back on, but had another 14' of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighborhood kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.
*December 22:*
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the
white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and
shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed
and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob,
who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
*December 23:*
Only 2' of snow today, and it warmed up to '0'. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did, but I think she's lying.
*December 24:*
6'. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street
at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn
snowplow.
*December 25*
Merry Fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
'It's a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.
*December 26:*
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here ? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
*December 27: *
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.
*December 28:*
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The woman is driving me
crazy!
*December 29:*
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?
*December 30:*
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me
for a million dollars; not only for the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife
went home to her mother. 9' predicted.
*December 31:*
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
*January 8:*
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
*December 9:*
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
*December 12*
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
*December 14:*
Snow, lovely snow! 8' last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
*December 15:*
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
*December 16:*
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
*December 17:*
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I shouldv'e bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
*December 20:*
Electricity' s back on, but had another 14' of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighborhood kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.
*December 22:*
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the
white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and
shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed
and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob,
who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
*December 23:*
Only 2' of snow today, and it warmed up to '0'. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did, but I think she's lying.
*December 24:*
6'. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street
at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn
snowplow.
*December 25*
Merry Fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
'It's a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.
*December 26:*
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here ? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
*December 27: *
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.
*December 28:*
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The woman is driving me
crazy!
*December 29:*
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?
*December 30:*
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me
for a million dollars; not only for the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife
went home to her mother. 9' predicted.
*December 31:*
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
*January 8:*
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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