All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements entertaining.
Here are some examples:
___________________________________
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating,
you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
3. On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
4. 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
5. 'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride.'
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came ov er the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!'
7 After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted.'
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in pu blic unsupervised.'
9. 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite.'
10. 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines.'
11. 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
take them with our compliments.'
12. 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
'Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking .
I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you to Amarillo .
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.'
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our
airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, ' Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is
it?' The little
old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. 'Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is
on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should
see the
back of mine.'
make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements entertaining.
Here are some examples:
___________________________________
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating,
you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
3. On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
4. 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
5. 'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride.'
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came ov er the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!'
7 After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted.'
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in pu blic unsupervised.'
9. 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite.'
10. 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines.'
11. 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
take them with our compliments.'
12. 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
'Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking .
I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you to Amarillo .
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.'
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our
airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, ' Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is
it?' The little
old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. 'Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is
on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should
see the
back of mine.'
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